I didn’t see this, but this review is hilarious 10 May 06

Movie Review

Akeelah and The Bee
Even The Best Black Movies Get The Worst Audiences
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Well, black folk, you have truly outdone yourselves this time. Akeelah and The Bee has tanked at the box office.


Just when I thought your apathy couldn’t get any more dire, you fail to support a well-made film about a intellectually talented little black girl who aspires to be so much more than what is expected of her. Instead of succumbing to the pressure of hopelessness that dictates her surroundings, she dares to be great and, in the process, uplifts her community inspiring them to do more than what is expected of them. I must admit, I was so impressed as I watched this movie that the idea of it serving as a catalyst for black parents to demand more of their kids in school vividly crossed my mind. Silly me. My fondest dreams for Black America are just no match for NIGGAS!

Man, black folks are fucked up. That’s reality. It’s bad out here.

Let me tell you how bad it is for us right now. This just crystallizes it:

So, I’m sitting in the theater, reading the paper, waiting for the lights to go down. I decide to look around and get a feel for the audience, just to see if any parents are gonna bring their kids. I saw a cluster of white folks in the center rows, lots of middle-aged sistas and brothas, quite a few elderly black people, a couple of bohos and maybe a half dozen young black professionals.

Then, it happened, a moment of hope. I see a sista walking down the isle with two teenage brothas. Glory be. A sista doing her part for our youth. I swelled with pride. I couldn’t tell you how happy I was to see these two young bucks take time out of their 106&Park-filled day to watch a movie about this driven 11 year-old black girl determined to win the national spelling bee. That’s all right. Right?

Nope. It wasn’t all right. Those ghetto ass youngins sat next to me and practically ruined the entire movie for everyone present. These boys were so damn ignorant, I felt like I was being filmed for an episode of MTV’s Boiling Points. These little punk bitch ass knuckle-headed niggas TALKED LOUDLY through the first half hour of the movie. At one point, one of them got on the phone with some girl named Ebony. Apparently, he was going to be getting some ass right after this movie. Would you believe he actually asked her what she was wearing? Then, he asked her if she missed him. Do you understand how fucked up that is? This kid was no more than 16, talking dirty to some lil girl while Akeelah was trying to win that bee. I mean damn, I’m not making this shit up! (I mean it. I’m not making this up.).

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Well, why didn’t you say something to them, Reggie?” Two reasons: 1. I knew if I said something to them and they said something back to me, I was going to jail. 2. I was hoping someone else would get mad enough to attack them so I could get my licks in undetected during the scuffle. But, no one said anything to them outside of the normal “shhhh.” Eventually, a white guy went to get an usher. Still, it was too late. The damage had been done. I’m more jaded than ever. I have this sad unshakable feeling that aliens will land on Earth before black people get their shit together.

Please, just go see the damn movie before it leaves the theater. Don’t act like you’ve got better stuff to do with 10 dollars, because we all know you don’t.



Filed under Vibrations

4 responses to “I didn’t see this, but this review is hilarious 10 May 06

  1. Anonymous

    in existentialism,
    not doing anything about something you felt like doing (telling the ignorant and rude movie goers to shut the fuck up) is comitting bad faith. in the existentialism one must act, seize the day. in existentialism, there is no greater wrong than to commit bad faith.
    they will continue with their rude and ignorant ways because no one had the courage to tell them to shut the fuck up. ahh no one gives a fuck anyway about anything.
    people would rather not be bothered by the life at all.
    fear kills.

  2. s.a.

    not anonymous here, i just forgot to put name after posting the comment. i did that a long time ago, told some kids stuff they didn’t appreciate hearing… i nearly got killed…

  3. Anonymous

    when are you gonna come down and fix the sink????
    i dont need to tell you we need out here in the real world though.

    peace and love


    June 14, 2006

    I thought I’d put off that column on ethanol subsidies I’d been planning to write this week and instead address the topic that has so riveted the nation — the hot new book “Godless: The Church of Liberalism.”

    First of all, I’m getting a little fed up with people trying to make money off my book. Worthless little cable TV shows with teeny-tiny audiences, ridiculous legislators and tabloid newspapers are all trying to make a name for themselves off the profundity of “Godless.”

    Second, let’s pause for a moment to observe that two facts are now universally accepted: Liberals are godless and Hillary’s husband is a rapist.

    My book makes a stark assertion: Liberalism is a godless religion. Hello! Anyone there? I’ve leapt beyond calling you traitors and am now calling you GODLESS. Apparently, everybody’s cool with that. The fact that liberals are godless is not even a controversial point anymore.

    In addition to the consensus position that liberals are godless, no one has made a peep about that swipe I took at Hillary, proposing that she have a chat with her husband before accusing others of being “mean” to women in light of Juanita Broaddrick’s charge that Bill Clinton raped her. Hillary beat a hasty retreat on her chubby little legs and is now hiding behind Rahm “Don’t Touch My Tutu” Emanuel.

    Yes, the Democrats’ pit bull, Rahm Emanuel, is a former ballerina. And they wonder why the concerted effort of the MSM (as we call the mainstream media) and the Democratic Party can’t lay a finger on me. A ballerina. Hey, if the padded, silky shoe fits …

    The establishment’s current obsession with me is the MSM’s last stand. They’ve deployed the whole lineup of yesterday’s power brokers against me, and all they’ve accomplished is to make my book the No. 1 book in the country. In other words, their efforts to defeat me have just created more people like me. Now who’s stuck in an unwinnable quagmire, losers?

    Take note, conservatives: No American need ever fear the liberal establishment again. It’s all over but the sobbing.

    Back when there were only three TV stations and no Internet, talk radio or Fox News, it used to be so easy for the MSM to destroy reputations — Joe McCarthy, Barry Goldwater, Richard Nixon, Robert Bork, Dan Quayle, Oliver North, Clarence Thomas, Pat Buchanan, Newt Gingrich, Paula Jones and Linda Tripp, to name a few of the MSM’s prey.

    Liberals aren’t having so much fun now that the rabbit has the gun.

    Last Wednesday, Brian Williams began the “NBC Nightly News” — currently watched exclusively by old ladies in nursing homes — with a report on “civility” in America, which has apparently been horribly despoiled by my book. Williams complained that the “explosion in our media, our deafening national noise level and our changing mores have made this a much different era in America than the one our parents grew up in.”

    Oh, the civility of having only three TV stations back in our parents’ day! It was even more civil in the Soviet Union where there was only one TV station.

    In precisely five minutes on the Media Research Center’s Web site, I turned up some random examples of the sort of civility we got from the MSM before the alternative media allowed conservatives to be heard, too. These are all-new quotes I’ve never even seen before. There are about a hundred more in my book “Slander.”

    — On Ronald Reagan: “I predict historians are going to be totally baffled by how the American people fell in love with this man (Ronald Reagan) and followed him the way we did.”— CBS News White House reporter Lesley Stahl on NBC’s “Later With Bob Costas,” Jan. 11, 1989

    — On Pat Buchanan: “On the road I travel to the mall in Wheaton, Md., two white men severely beat two black women Tuesday. One was doused with lighter fluid, and her attacker tried to set her afire. Both men cursed the women for being black. I couldn’t help but shudder: That could have been me. This heinous act happened only hours after Pat Buchanan voters gave him 30 percent of the vote in the Maryland GOP presidential primary.” — USA Today columnist and former “Inquiry” page editor Barbara Reynolds, March 6, 1992

    — On Lee Atwater: “(Lee Atwater) was a scoundrel, one of the darkest figures to dominate our recent politics, a man with a comprehensively cynical view of his fellow creatures. … He made it in the most improbable way, learning to dress at Brooks Brothers and keep his funky white trash wickedness too. … In running campaigns that played on racial divisions, he was something worse than a bigot; he was a man who pretended to be a bigot in hope that it would sell.” — Washington Post op-ed by reporter Marjorie Williams, March 30, 1991

    — On Newt Gingrich: “So how do you put an end to what Jim Wright called ‘mindless cannibalism’? Do you put a muzzle on Newt Gingrich?” — “CBS This Morning” co-host Kathleen Sullivan, June 1, 1989

    Ah, the civility of the old media! Sadly for the MSM, the Silent Majority is silent no more.



    4520 Main Street, Kansas City, MO 64111

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