Monthly Archives: May 2006

I didn’t see this, but this review is hilarious 10 May 06

Movie Review

Akeelah and The Bee
Even The Best Black Movies Get The Worst Audiences
by: Reggie Eggert, for Entertainment

Well, black folk, you have truly outdone yourselves this time. Akeelah and The Bee has tanked at the box office.

Congratulations.

Just when I thought your apathy couldn’t get any more dire, you fail to support a well-made film about a intellectually talented little black girl who aspires to be so much more than what is expected of her. Instead of succumbing to the pressure of hopelessness that dictates her surroundings, she dares to be great and, in the process, uplifts her community inspiring them to do more than what is expected of them. I must admit, I was so impressed as I watched this movie that the idea of it serving as a catalyst for black parents to demand more of their kids in school vividly crossed my mind. Silly me. My fondest dreams for Black America are just no match for NIGGAS!

Man, black folks are fucked up. That’s reality. It’s bad out here.

Let me tell you how bad it is for us right now. This just crystallizes it:

So, I’m sitting in the theater, reading the paper, waiting for the lights to go down. I decide to look around and get a feel for the audience, just to see if any parents are gonna bring their kids. I saw a cluster of white folks in the center rows, lots of middle-aged sistas and brothas, quite a few elderly black people, a couple of bohos and maybe a half dozen young black professionals.

Then, it happened, a moment of hope. I see a sista walking down the isle with two teenage brothas. Glory be. A sista doing her part for our youth. I swelled with pride. I couldn’t tell you how happy I was to see these two young bucks take time out of their 106&Park-filled day to watch a movie about this driven 11 year-old black girl determined to win the national spelling bee. That’s all right. Right?

Nope. It wasn’t all right. Those ghetto ass youngins sat next to me and practically ruined the entire movie for everyone present. These boys were so damn ignorant, I felt like I was being filmed for an episode of MTV’s Boiling Points. These little punk bitch ass knuckle-headed niggas TALKED LOUDLY through the first half hour of the movie. At one point, one of them got on the phone with some girl named Ebony. Apparently, he was going to be getting some ass right after this movie. Would you believe he actually asked her what she was wearing? Then, he asked her if she missed him. Do you understand how fucked up that is? This kid was no more than 16, talking dirty to some lil girl while Akeelah was trying to win that bee. I mean damn, I’m not making this shit up! (I mean it. I’m not making this up.).

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Well, why didn’t you say something to them, Reggie?” Two reasons: 1. I knew if I said something to them and they said something back to me, I was going to jail. 2. I was hoping someone else would get mad enough to attack them so I could get my licks in undetected during the scuffle. But, no one said anything to them outside of the normal “shhhh.” Eventually, a white guy went to get an usher. Still, it was too late. The damage had been done. I’m more jaded than ever. I have this sad unshakable feeling that aliens will land on Earth before black people get their shit together.

Please, just go see the damn movie before it leaves the theater. Don’t act like you’ve got better stuff to do with 10 dollars, because we all know you don’t.

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